Radio Plays from the Abyss



~The Man In Black Is Back! (or A Fly On The Wall)~
As Performed By Dirty CT

~

-The following is a hypothetical conversation between Johnny Cash (JC) and a Big Record Executive (BRE) in his office at some point in the early 1990's.

Here is a transcript of the 'Radio Play'

BRE: Hey, big Johnny, come on in my man…here, have a cigar..yeah, yeah, make yourself real comfortable.
JC: Well thank you sir, nice of you to be so hospitable.
BRE: Yeah, anyway listen Johnny, baby, I want to make ya a deal, you know… one ya can't refuse..
JC: And what's that?
BRE: I'm gonna make you a big star again Johnny..real BIG!
JC: How do ya plan on doin' that?
BRE: Well I've been thinking' Johnny, that's my job Johnny…thinking..and I've been thinking' I can make you a star again,
like I did with that Orbison fella.
JC: You didn't make Roy a big star…he was BIG when you were still knee high to a grasshopper.
BRE: No johnny, your not getting' it, Johnny, listen to me…Roy Orbison was a 'has been' Johnny..like you..washed up!!
I picked him up, brushed him off, and made him a big star again Johnny…that's what I did Johnny…I made him a BIG star,
I put him back on the map…do ya understand?
JC: Well I'm not sure I…
BRE: LISTEN Johnny, Roy was done for…no one wanted to hear him anymore , let alone look at him…
JC: So..
BRE: So I changed all that..do ya remember? the Tra-vel-ling Wilbury's…does that ring a bell???
JC: yeah, but…
BRE: No buts Johnny…are ya listening to me man? I put Roy back on the map..made him COOL again with
the kids….do ya see where I'm goin with this Johnny?
JC: I think s..
BRE: GOOOOD Johnny, now you're getting it, Look,  my plan is do to you, what I did to Roy.
JC: Your gonna hook me up with the Wilbury's???
BRE: JOOOOOOHNNY…come on the Wilbury's are old news…I'd never do anything dumb like that…what do ya take me
for …some kind of idiot?
JC: Well I..
BRE: After Roy kicked it, it was kind of game over for the Wilbury's, you know what I mean…but Hey, I still managed to squeak out one last video after Roy, bought it, remember?
JC: The rocking chair?
BRE: zzzzZackly..Johnny, that was MY Idea, and it went over BIG!…hey, and Roy wasn't the only one I made BIG, Johnny…you know who else is mine? 
JC: aaahh... that rapper dude???
BRE: that's right!!!   can't remember his name off hand... you know, the guy with the gold necklace and rings, wears his ball cap on sideways, always singing' about 'bitches and ho's'… what's his name again???
JC: Is this the chap who travels with his "posse", drinks 'Crystal' champagne, and fancies himself a "gangsta"?
BRE: yeah, that's the guy!
JC: …and he's always leaning forward into the camera during his music videos, gesticulating with his hands, 'dissing' others, and rapping about how great he is?
BRE: yeah...and the baggy pants…don't forget the baggy pants!
JC: ...with his underwear riding high above his belt line!?!
BRE: Yeah, and that was another one of my ideas…What was that fellows name again??? Can't remember! anyway, real SWEET guy!!!
.. so listen up Johnny, and I'm gonna tell ya what we're gonna do…
JC: I'm all ears
BRE: Yeah..look, I want ya to record some new tracks see, take your time, you know, make your voice sound all tired and gravelly,
the kids are gonna love it, yeah, make it sound like you've been up all night drinking or something, and then we'll take some shots of you looking tired and dishevelled, you know…with your shoulders hunched , maybe even wearing your reading glasses, can you do that for me  Johnny?
JC: ya I guess..
BRE: Gooood!!!  Now look, you realize you can't just sing old country songs anymore, no, the kids'll never go for that, no Johnny, you gotta sing a few covers too..I mean let's face it, who wants to listen to an ol' man singing' about stuff like Jesus, no one can relate to that…the kids wanna hear the HITS, Johnny…that's what pays the bills-unnerstand..HITS!!!
JC: alright!
BRE: So I was thinking , why don't we get you singing some 'Nine Inch Nails', or 'Depeche Mode' or something, you know, the kind of stuff the kids will dig.
JC: Depeche what?
BRE: Great!  Hey, and we'll bring in Ricky, Rick Rubin, my buddy, yeah, he's an ol' pro…he'll make you sound fine, real NEW…he's
got his finger on the pulse…he's gonna give you a new sound, Johnny, and we're all gonna get stinkin' rich!!!
Now, the first thing we got to get ya to do is sign this here contract Johnny, yeah, and if everything goes well, we'll make more, a second
volume and then a third, and so on... yeah, It'll be like a licence to print money, Johnny…we'll be swimming in it…maybe we'll even get ya to win a Grammy or something, you know, to help boost sales between albums!?
JC: Well that sounds mighty…
BRE: …mighty fine!!!  yeah, oh and don't worry…we're keeping' the 'all black' thing too, so don't throw away your old socks!…. that's a JOKE
Johnny…anyway, look, The Man in Black is BACK!, there's a whole generation out there that doesn't yet know they're about to dig YOUR music, and we'll keep running this thing t'ill the records don't sell no more.
JC: So where do I sign?
BRE: Right here on the dotted li…Johnny..what kind of insurance policy do ya have?
JC: Come again?
BRE:  a plan…medical???  you know Johnny, you're not getting any younger, it's nothing personal but, if we're gonna have a contract,
we gotta protect our investment, d'yunderstand?
JC: yeah..
BRE: so look, this is what were gonna do…were gonna make five albums…the first one will be mostly your own music, you, Jesus, and redemption, maybe we'll throw in a little misogyny to be controversial, get it? now, as each album progresses, we'll start adding more and more cover tracks to your albums, like filler, to help BEEF it up a bit, you know, maybe a little 'Beatles' or some 'Tom Petty' to help 
bridge the 'generational gap', something everyone can relate to, then towards the final albums, we'll bring in the more alternative stuff, and don't worry…it's gonna be BIG, Johnny, and you're gonna be BACK on the charts!!!
JC: great..
BRE: oh... there's just oooone other minor detail though, Johnny, "BIG" Johnny…
JC: and what's that?
BRE: it's just a minor glitch, nothing much!
JC: Well,what is it?
BRE: You..well look, you..
JC: Come on, you can give it to me straight.
BRE: Well what I'm trying to tell ya Johnny is….aaah,…well, you gotta DIE!!!
JC: say what?
BRE: Don't worry! We'll keep the whole thing going, but you gotta give us the post-humous rights to your music!
JC: I don't understand
BRE: Look, you can't keep 'walking the line' forever, the plan is to record W A Y more music than we can cram into five albums, so that way we've got a whole reservoir of songs
to release after.
JC: …after what?
BRE: well after…you know, after the fifth album…people are gonna want more
JC: so why don't we just record more later?
BRE: no no, Johnny…that won't work, ah…listen Johnny, how old are you now??? Well you're not getting any younger..you realize that
don't you Johnny?
JC: Yeah..
BRE: Good, cause it's only a matter of time, you know we'll be lucky to get five albums out of ya anyway..but don't worry, we'll keep
the thing going, you can count on us…
JC: ah, I don't follow 
BRE:…HEY, "do the math" Johnny!!!  oh, and don't worry, if something happens to ya before the final video is made… I still have that old rocking chair around here someplace.

Dirty CT  July 2011


PD Cafargo
recites from William S Burrough's Cities of the Red Night